There's Just Too Much Time Cannot Erase
by GiveTheDevilHisDue
Summary: Of all the souls I've encountered, his was the most...human." The events leading up to Admiral James T. Kirk's breaking point. Post "Wrath of Khan"


Hi, guys! Alright, I know I should be getting to my other fic, but I think "Finding Home" is going to have to wait. I don't have a ton of time, and enough ideas to get a few good chapters pumped out. So, here's a little story to get the creative juices pumping. This is inspired by the amazingly heart-wrenching video "Star Trek: My Immortal" on youtube. I will have the link on my bio, if any of you want to see it. So, this fic will have both TOS memories and 2009 memories. Therefore, don't flip if you see a crossover of quotes here. This will remain in the TOS category, because TOS created the timeline leading to Spock's death. The only reason this was done was because I think both ways their friendship was developed is very important and unique to, not only the fic, but the general theme of Spock and Kirk's overall relationship.

Alright, I'm not good at angst AT ALL, and this is my first go at it. So, if it's absolutely horrific, please tell me. If you like it, I would appreciate a review so I know how I did. Leave comments, questions, criticisms and just tell me what you think. If you want some more angst, I can try pumping out some other things, if you want something happier, I will be more than pleased to do that as well:) This may be viewed as Spirk, if you squint. View it as whatever you want.

Mkay, enjoy!

* * *

**There's Just Too Much Time Cannot Erase  
**_James Kirk couldn't hold on anymore_

"Of all the souls I've encountered, his was the most…human."

The bagpipes sounded and the coffin slowly moved forward, the large blue drapery on top of it. James Kirk chocked on his own sobs and continued to stand tall. He wouldn't let a single tear drop. Not now. Not here. This wasn't what Spock would have wanted, he would want you to be calm, controlled. Be _logical_, Jim.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound…

And then he was gone. A flash of light appeared behind the Genesis Planet, and then nothing. Just…darkness. Darkness and space.

He was gone.

_**I'm so tired of being here  
**__**Suppressed by all my childish fears  
**__**And if you have to leave  
**__**I wish that you would just leave  
**__**Your presence still lingers here…  
**__**And it won't leave me alone**_

Jim ran his hand over the leather seat. He could swear that it was still slightly warm. He was still there, he could still feel Spock near him. He was still there. Spock wasn't gone. Spock was still on board. He was going to come out of the lift and raise an eyebrow at everyone and address Jim. He wouldn't be so old looking, so sick looking. He wouldn't fall over, rasping his words. He would stand tall and have a strong, Vulcan monotone. He would. He had to.

"_I am, and always be, your friend…"_

Logic be damned.

A single tear fell onto the seat.

_**These words won't seem to heal  
**__**This pain is just to real  
**__**There's just too much that time cannot erase  
**__**When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
**__**When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
**__**And I've held your hand through all of these years…  
**__**But you still have…all of me**_

Jim sat on his bed, breathing heavily. He remembered their first days together, he remembered the first mission they experienced together, he remembered the first time Spock called him "friend".

"_You just don't like me because I beat your test." The Commander glared at him, accusingly, harshly. Oh, so he did have emotions…_

"_It's logic, Spock. I figured you'd like it."  
__He raised a brow, and Jim swore he saw a smirk. "Not this time."_

"_You could learn something from Mr. Spock, doctor: stop thinking with your glands." There goes that eyebrow raise._

"_I can provide character references."  
__He smiled brightly. Of course he'd have those stashed somewhere. "Welcome aboard, Commander." A look of brief happiness crossed his features. It was going to be alright. They were going to be alright. _

Jim put his head on the pillow, and didn't remove it for hours.

_**You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
**__**Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind  
**__**Your face holds my once pleasant dreams  
**__**Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me**_

"_Don't you think you should ask me first?" A mischievous grin made it's way to Jim's face. He knew Spock wouldn't hurt him. That whole fight back on Vulcan was a thing of the past. Spock was back, his Spock was back. That was all that mattered._

_Spock turned. Shock and pleasure in his dark eyes. "Captain?" Jim chuckled, and began to walk forward, when strong hands pulled him back. He gasped in surprise. "Jim!" Spock smiled brightly. Wait. Did Spock just…No… He suddenly straightened, green tinting his ears. "I am…pleased to see you are…unharmed." Damn him, he did smile. How he loved that smile…_

"Why can't we cheat our way through this one, Spock?" Jim asked, looking out the window. The stars flew by and he closed his eyes, weary. He couldn't help him, he couldn't cheat death this time. There was no fight. He was already gone, he was gone before Jim could even reach him.

_**These words won't seem to heal  
**__**This pain is just to real  
**__**There's just too much that time cannot erase  
**__**When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
**__**When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
**__**And I've held your hand through all of these years…  
**__**But you still have…all of me**_

"How dare you! How dare you have the Gaul to accuse me of such heinous acts!" The Andorian smuggler shouted at the Federation Council.

Jim looked past the smuggler. Those words were so familiar, so pain-filled.

"_And you had the _Gaul_ to make love to that girl!" He saw the hurt in his friend's face. Jim almost stopped. He couldn't do this to Spock. Regardless, it had to be done. _

Jim knew, though. He'd hurt Spock several times.

"_It must not even compute for you…You didn't even love her!" _

"_Could you just for once feel? Pretend like you have a heart?" _

His chest constricted. His stomach flipped. Oh God, he'd hurt him for so long. "Admiral?" Jim blinked, looking at the other Council members. It was then he realized that his face was red and his breathing ragged.

He was going to hurt just as Spock did.

_**I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
**__**But though you're still with me  
**__**I've been alone all along**_

"Admiral."

Spock? His head whipped around, surprise and a hope in his eyes. Lieutenant Saunders was standing there, concern on his features. But…he could've sworn… "Sir, I have the reports on the attack of the NC-1872, _Sunrise_."

He cleared his throat. "Yes, thank you Lieutenant."

_"For the first time in my life, I was...happy..."_

He was such a fool. Spock had been gone for a long time. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to this painful truth. He didn't have the endurance anymore.

_**When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
**__**When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears  
**__**And I've held your hand through all of these years…  
**__**But you still have…all of me**_

There was no more memories to think about. There was no more accusations to throw at yourself. There was nothing left. You are all alone. Spock's gone, you couldn't even save him. After all he did to save you so many times. What kind of friend are you? What kind of human being are you? You're pathetic. Spock's gone…and it's all your fault.

"_Illogical, Jim," _No. It wasn't him. He was gone, dead. He couldn't… _"Jim, you are not thinking clearly. I would suggest meditation," _Jim snorted. Of course he would. _"Please, friend. Be reasonable. My death was of my own choosing, I died to save yourself and the crew. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few…" _

"Or the one," he whispered.

"_Precisely. You are not responsible. You are only human, Jim. Regrettably, there was no cheating death this time; I was well aware of that when I entered the radiation chamber. However, that doesn't preclude the fact that you are my friend, Jim. You will always be my friend…"_

It was over. He couldn't control himself anymore.

Sobs echoed throughout the bridge of a, somehow, now much emptier starship. A lone man lay on the floor, lost.

James T. Kirk had finally broken.


End file.
